Assad --> Asswad
Assange --> Ass Anger
Ahmadinejad --> Imadookywad
Pres. George Bush Sr. --> Bush
Pres. George Bush Jr. --> Shrub

I gave up my high-paying executive position
With the corner office and high potential
So that we could be together and make a life.
And then you left me for your old boyfriend
Who had just returned to town unemployed
Seeking solace in his parents basement.
You think I'd be bitter and spend my days
Ranting and raving at your infidelity
Followed by bar binges and sleepness nights.
But no, I almost never think of you
Except for rare times like this morning
When I was having my daily poo.

1. Eat 5-star phad thai the day before traveling
2. Press the button that says "do not press"
3. Forget to flush
4. Cross the street without looking both ways
5. Take crack
6. Gobble down 3 habanero Slim Jims before exercising
7. Buy Femstat 3 instead of Femstat 1
8. Judge a book by its cover
9. Open the door that says "do not enter"
10. Shoot your neighbor's cow
11. Purchase that cheap toilet paper

That's about it.

I received early notification at 9:17 AM
Just shortly after my second cup of coffee,
Which might be a significant factor.
But I was on the phone negotiating
With the janitorial service
So I dismissed it with a single clench.

Second notice came during my power lunch
Halfway through a steak of swordfish,
Allowing myself a sly appraisal of the waitress
Over the rim of my appletini.
I acknowledged the message as received
And it was gone in a pinch.

On the way back from lunch
I chose to step from the elevator
Into the executive lavatory
With its sagging attendant
And single window overlooking the park.

After sitting it emerged almost immediately
A single corn-studded issuance
Long enough to make the slow-motion dive
Without a ripple or splash.
The first wipe with the plush executive paper
Came away with no hint of residuals.
The sense of relief was so complete
I knew that there would be no more.
It left this world in a single flush
So soon after emergence that there was no odor.

To him it comes easy
To him it's a breeze
The profession of acting
Our master Keanu Reeves

He killed it in the Matrix
He Walked in the Clouds
A  hero in Hard Ball
All I can say is "wow"

Nominated for Razzie's
For work on the screen
He would have won them
If it weren't for Charlie Sheen

Some say that he stinks
They think he's a stiff
But I know otherwise
He's acting's God's gift

For myself, I always buy the cheaper things.
Every penny saved is one I can spend on you.
Flowers, limousines, dinner and a movie.
As an example, the towel I was using
This evening as I buffed myself dry,
My head filled only with you at lunch today
And your pantie-less hint.
This very towel, tattered and frayed,
With its one long loose cord that hangs down,
I worked over my body with great vigor
While in my mind the image of
The double-backed dog
Until that dangly cord did wend and wrap unnoticed.
Then, reaching for my toothbrush
I hurled aside that low-cost symbol of my fixation on you
Causing that dangling cord to become garote.
Which is why I am changing my priority this evening
From a wish of lust unfulfilled
To a simple visit in the E.R.

Snapping the carrot.
Waxing the dolphin.
Burping the worm.
Polishing the knob.
Stretching the taffy.

Ralphing.
A Technicolor yawn.
Driving the porcelain bus.

Brown cappin'.
Touching cotton.
Gophering.
Ready to launch a butt missile.

Dropping a dookie.
Dropping the kids off at the pond.
Pinching a loaf.

IdreamofspaceanastronautIflyingaroundwithmy
littlerobotIliketothinkI'llbeabletodrinkbutsipping
tangmaybeharderthanIthinkI'minthevoid
withmypartnerthedroidwe'reonthebrinkandits
startingtostinkheletonegonowtwoinarowaredneck
botthatusesthepotmyhillbillymachineisturningme
greenhesruinedthisplaceouthereinouterspace

There once was a man named McKinney
A hillbilly who wasn't looking for a whinny
He was looking for a hog as he walked through that bog
When down the river came a canoe full of plenty

The city slickers were out for a vacation
Floating down the Cahulawassee was the location
They stopped for a rest and were beating their chests
Unfortunately they just arrived in mountainman nation

Now those hillbillys had a thing for kin and farm animals
The story of their inbreeding has been chronicled in numerous annals
They came down out of the holler and grabbed Ned Beatty by the collar
Pushed him over a log, "You look just like a hog" and off came Ned's garanimals

McKinney made Ned squeal like a pig as he bent him over a moss-covered twig
While the toothless Cowboy watched in delight
Burt Reynolds arrived, with his bow by his side
Shot McKinney and Cowboy escaped into the night

Things to remember when planning your next vacation to hillbillyville:
1. That river is there.  You get in there and can't get out you'll wish it wasn't
2. You don't know nothin'
3. You don't beat the river
4. Hope you don't have a pretty mouth
5. Keep rowing if you hear banjo music

It's a small white packet
In shape much like a ravioli
But too large for a single bite
Or to swallow by accident.
Its stuffing is silica beads
Hard, granular, unappetizing
And taste really bad anyway.
Prominently it is labeled
"Do not eat."
Seriously?