Couch scene:
Curved and twisted
Into a comfort pretzel;
Warm fur bundle
Happily hugging a hip.
An insistent pressure,
Then sustained vibrato.
Suddenly alert,
Unblinking, head cocked,
One ear origami,
Fido's gaze expectant
Awaiting the next
profound utterance
of His Master's Voice.

Tastes good going in.
Icky on the way back out.
Better than reversed.

Unfortunate itch
Squirming in chair of no help
Fingers now smell bad

It's now the morning after.
I stagger about this apartment
Its vacant loneliness highlights
The tiny reminders of you.
Pabst empties half-crushed in the sink
Tipped shot glasses drool their last remains
Next to the JD bottle on the floor
While lacy panties lazily wave surrender
From their rotating ceiling fan aerie.
Then a blurred memory jumps into focus
Along with its many repeated reflections
Spurred by a tortilla package on the counter.
A product of perfect innocence,
And yet glaring the painful truth
With the simple declaration of "Burrito Size."

Your beauty eminates like a beacon in the night
I yearn for our time, the special moments shared
You shine like a freashly waxed dolphin
Glistening, shimmering, perfect

We wander through fields of wild flowers
Taking in the little things that nature provides
I hold your hand, kneading your palms
Like the gentle massage of the canoe boat driver

Arriving home, we prepare a lovely meal
All the best, bacon, natchos, cabbage, and hummus
After perculating some colon coffee we end our day
Together, two turtle doves sharing lifes great journey

We walked, you and I, in that settling twilight
Arm in arm
Hand in hand
Heart to heart
Toward the piny woods where promises become real.

A small turd shape plummeted from the spires
To land at your feet.
"Ewww!" you said, jumping back,
Scanning the treetop for the malevolent critter
That would dare such an affront
Your distance straining the reach of my hand.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" you shrieked,
Looking down to see the short grass filled
With a multitude of the small turd shapes.

"Arrrrrrggghhhh!" I moaned as you dashed away
The moment breaking as did our grasped hands
My fervent ardor already turning a shade of blue.

Once
I fell down a well and was stuck for four days.
I wasn't too worried at first because the nights were warm,
I knew I could go without food, and there was plenty of water.
But that all changed on the second day
When my attempt to fart turned into a liquid dooky.

Once
I took equestrian lessons on a hot summer day.
I dressed smartly in loose shorts and no undies
To let the breezes pass through.
Bouncing around on the horse's back
My sitting bones anvilled my unrestrained juevos
Into a screaming lump of Silly Putty.

Once
I told my wife to start wearing skirts more often
Because her ass looked really big in her jeans.

Once
I grabbed the tail of a cow that had spend the day
Eating nothing but fresh green grass.

Assad --> Asswad
Assange --> Ass Anger
Ahmadinejad --> Imadookywad
Pres. George Bush Sr. --> Bush
Pres. George Bush Jr. --> Shrub

I gave up my high-paying executive position
With the corner office and high potential
So that we could be together and make a life.
And then you left me for your old boyfriend
Who had just returned to town unemployed
Seeking solace in his parents basement.
You think I'd be bitter and spend my days
Ranting and raving at your infidelity
Followed by bar binges and sleepness nights.
But no, I almost never think of you
Except for rare times like this morning
When I was having my daily poo.

1. Eat 5-star phad thai the day before traveling
2. Press the button that says "do not press"
3. Forget to flush
4. Cross the street without looking both ways
5. Take crack
6. Gobble down 3 habanero Slim Jims before exercising
7. Buy Femstat 3 instead of Femstat 1
8. Judge a book by its cover
9. Open the door that says "do not enter"
10. Shoot your neighbor's cow
11. Purchase that cheap toilet paper

That's about it.