1. Eat 5-star phad thai the day before traveling
2. Press the button that says "do not press"
3. Forget to flush
4. Cross the street without looking both ways
5. Take crack
6. Gobble down 3 habanero Slim Jims before exercising
7. Buy Femstat 3 instead of Femstat 1
8. Judge a book by its cover
9. Open the door that says "do not enter"
10. Shoot your neighbor's cow
11. Purchase that cheap toilet paper

That's about it.

Snapping the carrot.
Waxing the dolphin.
Burping the worm.
Polishing the knob.
Stretching the taffy.

Ralphing.
A Technicolor yawn.
Driving the porcelain bus.

Brown cappin'.
Touching cotton.
Gophering.
Ready to launch a butt missile.

Dropping a dookie.
Dropping the kids off at the pond.
Pinching a loaf.

It is a beautiful day for a drive
The sky is bright, the winds are calm
Life is great.  It couldn't be better
I'm happy to be alive.
Uh oh... 3

I look around, nervous
Where can it be?
I need a toilet
And we're not talking about pee
Oh God... 2

In the distance I see a Walmart
I accelerate the car, "Hurry please hurry" I scream
I skid into the parking lot and race to the front door
Forced to crab-walk now,  gurgling uncontrollably
Please no... 1

There's the restroom.  I pray I can make it
Dodging school kids and handicapped carts
I fling open the door and rush to the single stall
Dear God in Heaven, it is being used
Utter despair...  0