Monday, July 9
  Breakfast:
      7 slices bacon
      2 eggs, over easy
      biscuits with gravy
      coffee
  Morning snack:
      Red hot beef jerkey stick
      coffee
  Lunch:
      Chips with "hot as hell" salsa
      3 bean and cheese burritos in mole sauce
      Spanish rice w/extra salsa
  Afternoon snack:
      Kielbasa hot dog with sauerkraut and chili.
      Vinegar and oil potato chips
  Dinner:
      Thai-hot pad thai
      1 IPA beer
      2 Stout beers
  Late-nite snack
      Frozen pepperoni pizza

  Re-emergence:  
      Wet, explosive
      17 separate wipes
      3 flushes
      Later found additional spotting on wall
  Weight change:
      2.5 pounds


Tuesday, July 10
  Breakfast:
      Two eggs on whole wheat toast with hollandaise
      Wedge of cheese
      Black tea
  Lunch:
      Gruyere and Swiss panini
      Dried apricot and date salad    
  Dinner:
      Cheese pizza with breadsticks
      "Atomic" Buffalo wings
      1 beer
      1 Rum and soda
  Late-nite snack:
      Crackers with cheese-like spread

Wednesday, July 11
  Breakfast:
      High-fiber breakfast cereal
      Banana
  Lunch:
      1 appletini
      Beer-battered calamari
      Melba toast with garlic hummus dip
      Salt-crusted ribeye
      Baked potatoe with bacon bits and sour cream
      1 slice chocolate cheesecake
  Afternoon snack:
      2 slices cake at office party
  Dinner:
      Gin martini
      Italian bread dipped in olive oil
      Stuffed manicotti
      Gelato
      2 glasses brandy

Thursday, July 12
  Breakfast:
      High-fiber breakfast cereal
      Metamucil in orange juice
  Lunch:
      Skipped.  Tried to nap on office couch
  Dinner:
      Psyllium husks in cranberry juice
      4 glasses water
  Late-nite snack:
      Bag of prunes

  Re-emergence:
      Hard as a rock.  Painful to pass.
      Caused some bleeding.
      11 wipes, mostly blood.
      3 flushes.  Overflow started on the second.
      Despite above, profound sense of relief
  Weight change:
      9 pounds


Friday, July 13
  Breakfast:
      1 cranberry bran muffin with a hint of butter
      1 slice canteloupe
      1 glass orange juice
      Green tea
  Lunch:
      Sauteed mixed veggies
      Large salad
  Dinner:
      Herb-crusted free-range chicken breast
      Saffron-infused grilled squash
      Large green salad

  Re-emergence:
      Firm but yielding.  
      2 wipes, no residue.  
      Single flush.
  Weight change:
      1 pound

How do I make every day a Friday?
 
It is a beautiful day for a drive
The sky is bright, the winds are calm
Life is great.  It couldn't be better
I'm happy to be alive.
Uh oh... 3

I look around, nervous
Where can it be?
I need a toilet
And we're not talking about pee
Oh God... 2

In the distance I see a Walmart
I accelerate the car, "Hurry please hurry" I scream
I skid into the parking lot and race to the front door
Forced to crab-walk now,  gurgling uncontrollably
Please no... 1

There's the restroom.  I pray I can make it
Dodging school kids and handicapped carts
I fling open the door and rush to the single stall
Dear God in Heaven, it is being used
Utter despair...  0
 
Herman once created
In a cataclysmic fart
Nearly every element
On the periodic chart.
 
Alone, bored
Not much to do
Friday night loneliness
I'm feeling so blue

As I start to nod
I notice a curtain rod
I open my back pack
I find my vacu-jac

Dilemma...

Wait, an idea strikes

I'm no longer alone
I'm no longer bored
I'm sitting in the ER
I'm getting ungored 
 
I can be sensitive.
Not sensitive like inflamed hemorrhoidal tissue.
My ex-girlfriend was sensitive like that.

She didn't like to be touched.
She said the pain made her grunt,
but the diarrhea felt good.

Anal fissures are sensitive,
but in a different way.
I can be sensitive 
and that is OK.

Cows

8/1/2012

1 Comment

 
Picture


Behold!  The cow:  whose existence is easily understood.
They have but one role for which they are best employed
Soul-search within a cow's eyes:  complacent they, not annoyed,
For their essence accepts the reason they are deployed:
A cow's purpose on this planet is to be our food.

 
Searching for Syria
You ended up here.

Your mind must be in
A swirl of confusion
Like the gargle of a flush
At its vortex conclusion.

"Syria is serious!"
You must surely exclaim,
"What is it doing here
Among all this depraved?

People are dying
Struggling for freedom
It's noble and it's sad
And my pants:  I've peed them.

Life is cold and hard
Like a waggling walrus oosik.
I seek the pain of others,
Not odes to your poo stink!"

Thus have you arrived
At a place deeper than you quested
And on important topics
Your eyeballs have rested.

By the way,
Did you laugh?
I bet that you didn't.
 
From birth they got
Johnson
Felch
Dong
Annis

The lived in
Ironwood, MN
Butztown, PA
Long Dong, China
Cockland, OH

They shopped for
ReJoyn
Crack Cream
Anusol
Femstat

Average names
Normal places to live
Typical products
Definitely not funny

Bent

7/30/2012

2 Comments

 
Bending over
That's the goal
Dropping items
Exposing glorie's hole

Maybe a golf ball
Could be my keys
When they're watching
I give them a tease

I'm not really a klutz
I just act as such
I shake it and I wiggle
Oh how they all giggle

No need for Depends
Or ribbed Trojan Enz
'Cause this game that I play
Keeps all people away





Oops

7/29/2012

2 Comments

 
Phil was a follower of the Buddha
Who lived only on edam and goudha
One day with a start
He ripped a great fart
That contained much more air than it shoulda.

Proud to be sponsored by The Brown Trout Conservancy