I received early notification at 9:17 AM
Just shortly after my second cup of coffee,
Which might be a significant factor.
But I was on the phone negotiating
With the janitorial service
So I dismissed it with a single clench.
Second notice came during my power lunch
Halfway through a steak of swordfish,
Allowing myself a sly appraisal of the waitress
Over the rim of my appletini.
I acknowledged the message as received
And it was gone in a pinch.
On the way back from lunch
I chose to step from the elevator
Into the executive lavatory
With its sagging attendant
And single window overlooking the park.
After sitting it emerged almost immediately
A single corn-studded issuance
Long enough to make the slow-motion dive
Without a ripple or splash.
The first wipe with the plush executive paper
Came away with no hint of residuals.
The sense of relief was so complete
I knew that there would be no more.
It left this world in a single flush
So soon after emergence that there was no odor.
To him it comes easy
To him it's a breeze
The profession of acting
Our master Keanu Reeves
He killed it in the Matrix
He Walked in the Clouds
A hero in Hard Ball
All I can say is "wow"
Nominated for Razzie's
For work on the screen
He would have won them
If it weren't for Charlie Sheen
Some say that he stinks
They think he's a stiff
But I know otherwise
He's acting's God's gift
For myself, I always buy the cheaper things.
Every penny saved is one I can spend on you.
Flowers, limousines, dinner and a movie.
As an example, the towel I was using
This evening as I buffed myself dry,
My head filled only with you at lunch today
And your pantie-less hint.
This very towel, tattered and frayed,
With its one long loose cord that hangs down,
I worked over my body with great vigor
While in my mind the image of
The double-backed dog
Until that dangly cord did wend and wrap unnoticed.
Then, reaching for my toothbrush
I hurled aside that low-cost symbol of my fixation on you
Causing that dangling cord to become garote.
Which is why I am changing my priority this evening
From a wish of lust unfulfilled
To a simple visit in the E.R.
Snapping the carrot.
Waxing the dolphin.
Burping the worm.
Polishing the knob.
Stretching the taffy.
A Technicolor yawn.
Driving the porcelain bus.
Ready to launch a butt missile.
Dropping a dookie.
Dropping the kids off at the pond.
Pinching a loaf.
Is this what Bill McKinney was referring to?
There once was a man named McKinney
A hillbilly who wasn't looking for a whinny
He was looking for a hog as he walked through that bog
When down the river came a canoe full of plenty
The city slickers were out for a vacation
Floating down the Cahulawassee was the location
They stopped for a rest and were beating their chests
Unfortunately they just arrived in mountainman nation
Now those hillbillys had a thing for kin and farm animals
The story of their inbreeding has been chronicled in numerous annals
They came down out of the holler and grabbed Ned Beatty by the collar
Pushed him over a log, "You look just like a hog" and off came Ned's garanimals
McKinney made Ned squeal like a pig as he bent him over a moss-covered twig
While the toothless Cowboy watched in delight
Burt Reynolds arrived, with his bow by his side
Shot McKinney and Cowboy escaped into the night
Things to remember when planning your next vacation to hillbillyville:
1. That river is there. You get in there and can't get out you'll wish it wasn't
2. You don't know nothin'
3. You don't beat the river
4. Hope you don't have a pretty mouth
5. Keep rowing if you hear banjo music
It's a small white packet
In shape much like a ravioli
But too large for a single bite
Or to swallow by accident.
Its stuffing is silica beads
Hard, granular, unappetizing
And taste really bad anyway.
Prominently it is labeled
"Do not eat."
War, we all know, is neither pleasant nor pretty
But the best among us don't flinch from that necessity.
Brave souls they, facing their own mortalities
So the rest of us can retain our liberties.
Look out fellas for the many frights and scares
And that one above all ye must be aware:
From their Rear Echelon you must always defend
Or assuredly they will get you in your end.
There once was a man from Korea,
He had really bad diarrhea.
When he started to poop
It was chocolate corn soup,
But no way would I use it to feed ya.
Who's afraid of the dark?
Who's afraid of their own shadow?
Who's afraid of heights?
Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Who feels hurt when they get ignored?
Who feels hurt when things don't go their way?
Who feels hurt when his buddy doesn't invite him to the mall?
Who feels hurt when his friends don't ask him about his day?
That would be me.
Who can't fix a leaky faucet?
Who can't repair a broken lawn mower?
Who can't replace an electrical outlet?
Who can't imagine going deer hunting?
Yep, that's me too.
But I am handy in the kitchen
I can pick out a color-coordinated outfit
I can create a beautiful flower arrangement
My hair is cut in a modern style and it is clean
That's what makes me, me
I may be often afraid and repeatedly hurt
I may be incapable of participating in any normal male activity
Yeah, I'm sensitive too
But I'm a man, damn it