Once
I fell down a well and was stuck for four days.
I wasn't too worried at first because the nights were warm,
I knew I could go without food, and there was plenty of water.
But that all changed on the second day
When my attempt to fart turned into a liquid dooky.

Once
I took equestrian lessons on a hot summer day.
I dressed smartly in loose shorts and no undies
To let the breezes pass through.
Bouncing around on the horse's back
My sitting bones anvilled my unrestrained juevos
Into a screaming lump of Silly Putty.

Once
I told my wife to start wearing skirts more often
Because her ass looked really big in her jeans.

Once
I grabbed the tail of a cow that had spend the day
Eating nothing but fresh green grass.

1. Eat 5-star phad thai the day before traveling
2. Press the button that says "do not press"
3. Forget to flush
4. Cross the street without looking both ways
5. Take crack
6. Gobble down 3 habanero Slim Jims before exercising
7. Buy Femstat 3 instead of Femstat 1
8. Judge a book by its cover
9. Open the door that says "do not enter"
10. Shoot your neighbor's cow
11. Purchase that cheap toilet paper

That's about it.

Snapping the carrot.
Waxing the dolphin.
Burping the worm.
Polishing the knob.
Stretching the taffy.

Ralphing.
A Technicolor yawn.
Driving the porcelain bus.

Brown cappin'.
Touching cotton.
Gophering.
Ready to launch a butt missile.

Dropping a dookie.
Dropping the kids off at the pond.
Pinching a loaf.

There once was a man from Korea,
He had really bad diarrhea.
When he started to poop
It was chocolate corn soup,
But no way would I use it to feed ya.

Monday, July 9
  Breakfast:
      7 slices bacon
      2 eggs, over easy
      biscuits with gravy
      coffee
  Morning snack:
      Red hot beef jerkey stick
      coffee
  Lunch:
      Chips with "hot as hell" salsa
      3 bean and cheese burritos in mole sauce
      Spanish rice w/extra salsa
  Afternoon snack:
      Kielbasa hot dog with sauerkraut and chili.
      Vinegar and oil potato chips
  Dinner:
      Thai-hot pad thai
      1 IPA beer
      2 Stout beers
  Late-nite snack
      Frozen pepperoni pizza

  Re-emergence:  
      Wet, explosive
      17 separate wipes
      3 flushes
      Later found additional spotting on wall
  Weight change:
      2.5 pounds


Tuesday, July 10
  Breakfast:
      Two eggs on whole wheat toast with hollandaise
      Wedge of cheese
      Black tea
  Lunch:
      Gruyere and Swiss panini
      Dried apricot and date salad    
  Dinner:
      Cheese pizza with breadsticks
      "Atomic" Buffalo wings
      1 beer
      1 Rum and soda
  Late-nite snack:
      Crackers with cheese-like spread

Wednesday, July 11
  Breakfast:
      High-fiber breakfast cereal
      Banana
  Lunch:
      1 appletini
      Beer-battered calamari
      Melba toast with garlic hummus dip
      Salt-crusted ribeye
      Baked potatoe with bacon bits and sour cream
      1 slice chocolate cheesecake
  Afternoon snack:
      2 slices cake at office party
  Dinner:
      Gin martini
      Italian bread dipped in olive oil
      Stuffed manicotti
      Gelato
      2 glasses brandy

Thursday, July 12
  Breakfast:
      High-fiber breakfast cereal
      Metamucil in orange juice
  Lunch:
      Skipped.  Tried to nap on office couch
  Dinner:
      Psyllium husks in cranberry juice
      4 glasses water
  Late-nite snack:
      Bag of prunes

  Re-emergence:
      Hard as a rock.  Painful to pass.
      Caused some bleeding.
      11 wipes, mostly blood.
      3 flushes.  Overflow started on the second.
      Despite above, profound sense of relief
  Weight change:
      9 pounds


Friday, July 13
  Breakfast:
      1 cranberry bran muffin with a hint of butter
      1 slice canteloupe
      1 glass orange juice
      Green tea
  Lunch:
      Sauteed mixed veggies
      Large salad
  Dinner:
      Herb-crusted free-range chicken breast
      Saffron-infused grilled squash
      Large green salad

  Re-emergence:
      Firm but yielding.  
      2 wipes, no residue.  
      Single flush.
  Weight change:
      1 pound

How do I make every day a Friday?

It is a beautiful day for a drive
The sky is bright, the winds are calm
Life is great.  It couldn't be better
I'm happy to be alive.
Uh oh... 3

I look around, nervous
Where can it be?
I need a toilet
And we're not talking about pee
Oh God... 2

In the distance I see a Walmart
I accelerate the car, "Hurry please hurry" I scream
I skid into the parking lot and race to the front door
Forced to crab-walk now,  gurgling uncontrollably
Please no... 1

There's the restroom.  I pray I can make it
Dodging school kids and handicapped carts
I fling open the door and rush to the single stall
Dear God in Heaven, it is being used
Utter despair...  0

Herman once created
In a cataclysmic fart
Nearly every element
On the periodic chart.

Bending over
That's the goal
Dropping items
Exposing glorie's hole

Maybe a golf ball
Could be my keys
When they're watching
I give them a tease

I'm not really a klutz
I just act as such
I shake it and I wiggle
Oh how they all giggle

No need for Depends
Or ribbed Trojan Enz
'Cause this game that I play
Keeps all people away

Phil was a follower of the Buddha
Who lived only on edam and goudha
One day with a start
He ripped a great fart
That contained much more air than it shoulda.