I fell down a well and was stuck for four days.
I wasn't too worried at first because the nights were warm,
I knew I could go without food, and there was plenty of water.
But that all changed on the second day
When my attempt to fart turned into a liquid dooky.
I took equestrian lessons on a hot summer day.
I dressed smartly in loose shorts and no undies
To let the breezes pass through.
Bouncing around on the horse's back
My sitting bones anvilled my unrestrained juevos
Into a screaming lump of Silly Putty.
I told my wife to start wearing skirts more often
Because her ass looked really big in her jeans.
I grabbed the tail of a cow that had spend the day
Eating nothing but fresh green grass.
1. Eat 5-star phad thai the day before traveling
2. Press the button that says "do not press"
3. Forget to flush
4. Cross the street without looking both ways
5. Take crack
6. Gobble down 3 habanero Slim Jims before exercising
7. Buy Femstat 3 instead of Femstat 1
8. Judge a book by its cover
9. Open the door that says "do not enter"
10. Shoot your neighbor's cow
11. Purchase that cheap toilet paper
That's about it.
Snapping the carrot.
Waxing the dolphin.
Burping the worm.
Polishing the knob.
Stretching the taffy.
A Technicolor yawn.
Driving the porcelain bus.
Ready to launch a butt missile.
Dropping a dookie.
Dropping the kids off at the pond.
Pinching a loaf.
There once was a man from Korea,
He had really bad diarrhea.
When he started to poop
It was chocolate corn soup,
But no way would I use it to feed ya.
Monday, July 9
7 slices bacon
2 eggs, over easy
biscuits with gravy
Red hot beef jerkey stick
Chips with "hot as hell" salsa
3 bean and cheese burritos in mole sauce
Spanish rice w/extra salsa
Kielbasa hot dog with sauerkraut and chili.
Vinegar and oil potato chips
Thai-hot pad thai
1 IPA beer
2 Stout beers
Frozen pepperoni pizza
17 separate wipes
Later found additional spotting on wall
Tuesday, July 10
Two eggs on whole wheat toast with hollandaise
Wedge of cheese
Gruyere and Swiss panini
Dried apricot and date salad
Cheese pizza with breadsticks
"Atomic" Buffalo wings
1 Rum and soda
Crackers with cheese-like spread
Wednesday, July 11
High-fiber breakfast cereal
Melba toast with garlic hummus dip
Baked potatoe with bacon bits and sour cream
1 slice chocolate cheesecake
2 slices cake at office party
Italian bread dipped in olive oil
2 glasses brandy
Thursday, July 12
High-fiber breakfast cereal
Metamucil in orange juice
Skipped. Tried to nap on office couch
Psyllium husks in cranberry juice
4 glasses water
Bag of prunes
Hard as a rock. Painful to pass.
Caused some bleeding.
11 wipes, mostly blood.
3 flushes. Overflow started on the second.
Despite above, profound sense of relief
Friday, July 13
1 cranberry bran muffin with a hint of butter
1 slice canteloupe
1 glass orange juice
Sauteed mixed veggies
Herb-crusted free-range chicken breast
Saffron-infused grilled squash
Large green salad
Firm but yielding.
2 wipes, no residue.
How do I make every day a Friday?
It is a beautiful day for a drive
The sky is bright, the winds are calm
Life is great. It couldn't be better
I'm happy to be alive.
Uh oh... 3
I look around, nervous
Where can it be?
I need a toilet
And we're not talking about pee
Oh God... 2
In the distance I see a Walmart
I accelerate the car, "Hurry please hurry" I scream
I skid into the parking lot and race to the front door
Forced to crab-walk now, gurgling uncontrollably
Please no... 1
There's the restroom. I pray I can make it
Dodging school kids and handicapped carts
I fling open the door and rush to the single stall
Dear God in Heaven, it is being used
Utter despair... 0
Herman once created
In a cataclysmic fart
Nearly every element
On the periodic chart.
That's the goal
Exposing glorie's hole
Maybe a golf ball
Could be my keys
When they're watching
I give them a tease
I'm not really a klutz
I just act as such
I shake it and I wiggle
Oh how they all giggle
No need for Depends
Or ribbed Trojan Enz
'Cause this game that I play
Keeps all people away
Phil was a follower of the Buddha
Who lived only on edam and goudha
One day with a start
He ripped a great fart
That contained much more air than it shoulda.